The Stinky Titan
The Supreme Aglet finds himself forced to deal with incompetent people of the moronic persuasion from time to time. Ironically, these are people who somehow have been given the power to wreak total havoc on the lives of those who are actually paying them to bring order.
It is in this context that I convey to you this pathetic story of a complete breakdown that has created a great deal of distress and bitterness
Because this account represents only my side of the story, I don't think it is fair for me to reveal the name of the telecommunications company responsible for this outrage, except to say that they are one of the largest, if not the largest, [non-]service providers in existence, and that their name starts with a "V", as in "Verizon".
The story begins innocently enough with a response to a solicitation for VoIP telephone service. If you don't live on the cutting edge like I do, then you may not be familiar with VoIP. In short VoIP, or "Voice-over-IP", allows you to use the Internet as a phone service, bypassing much of the traditional telephone network to connect your calls, and therefore saving you a substantial amount of money in billing charges and socialist phone taxes. I am not a socialist.
The prospect of cutting my monthly telephone bill in half was attractive indeed. My concern, however, was that VoIP was self-defeating in that it needed a DSL line to work, which in turn meant that I still needed a phone line, which in turn meant that I would save no money, but actually pay more to have the service.
"Oh no", said the telecommunications company (hereforth referred to with the word "Verizon", just to use a made-up name). "Why, the whole point of VoIP is to save you money, Mr. Supreme Aglet. And anyway, if you're not completely satisfied, you can cancel at any time and go back to traditional phone service."
"But how can VoIP possibly work if I don't have a traditional phone line to carry my DSL service?", I asked.
"Oh, silly little man", replied Verizon, "we're a large telecommunications company. Don't confuse yourself with the technical details, that's our job. We will make it all work very nicely because we're a large and competent telecommunications company."
Now, at this point, I wouldn't blame my readership for ascribing a lack of judgement on my part for proceeding based on this assurance alone. However, hindsight is 20/20 (to coin a phrase), and the combination of hearing this from the horse's mouth (to coin another phrase), the assurance that I could go back to my standard phone service if it didn't work out, and the prospect of saving money all conspired to overcome my skepticism at that moment, and I proceeded.
Shortly afterward, we received the VoIP device in the mail. I set up the device, switched over our standard Verizon phone service to the Verizon VoIP service, and the new service worked satisfactorily.
A few days later, we began to notice problems with our internal network, mostly relating to our Verizon DSL connection. This caused some distress, as the living I earn is largely done out of my home office.
We contacted Verizon DSL, and they were unable to find any problem with our service in spite of the fact that it wasn't working reliably.
Soon, there was no DSL service at all. Another call to Verizon resulted in them telling us that the service works just fine in spite of the fact that it doesn't work.
Concurrently, our VoIP telephone service began to work unreliably. A call to Verizon's VoIP people resulted in them telling us that our VoIP service was working just fine in spite of the fact that it wasn't working just fine.
Soon, we found ourselves with no Internet communications ability and no telephone. The only way to communicate with the outside world was through our Verizon cell phones or via smoke signals, and The Supreme Aglet does not smoke.
Using our Verizon cell phone, we immediately contacted Verizon DSL to try to determine the root of the problem.
Of course, we would wait on hold with Verizon for an hour on our cell phones only to have the call drop after futile cries of "can you hear me now?", then blow another half-hour once we finally got through having each new technician ask the same stupid questions, and then insist that there is nothing wrong.
Getting nowhere with Verizon DSL, we turned to Verizon's VoIP people, who then directed us to the standard phone line people to see if there was a line problem, who then wondered why we were talking to them if we were using VoIP.
It occurred to us that addressing the problem in this way wasn't going to work since the various services at Verizon went completely brain-dead as soon as you mentioned another service. For instance, talking to Verizon DSL dead-ended as soon as you mentioned the word "VoIP". Talking to Verizon VoIP dead-ended as soon as you mentioned the word "DSL". Talking to the standard Verizon telephone service dead-ended as soon as you mentioned either "DSL" or "VoIP".
And, talking to Verizon cell phone service was useless because the calls kept dropping.
Mrs. Supreme Aglet and I determined that if you can't get something done, do it yourself (to coin another phrase), so we decided to start from scratch, cancel Verizon VoIP, and get a new standard line.
A week later, we had phone service again via standard phone line, (I suppose a one-hundred year-old technology like standard phone service reaches down far enough to the level of competence Verizon requires to provide service). Since the line used the same phone number as the previous line, we expected DSL to work. It didn't.
We called Verizon DSL (this time, we only had to wait an hour on hold rather than dropping the call several times on our Verizon cell phones before getting through). We went through the twenty stupid questions routine, after which they looked into the problem and insisted our DSL service was working even though it wasn't.
Now, after hours' and hours' worth of dealing with sheep-level Verizon service, we knew the game well enough to figure out how to get someone on the phone who was actually trained to do something other than ask twenty stupid questions and insist that there is nothing wrong. Once we got hold of this individual--and I'm convinced that there is only one that works at Verizon--we received an assurance that the problem would be investigated.
Oh joy.
A few days later, we were told that the problem could not be rectified, and that we would have to cancel and re-order our DSL. Why should we have to cancel our DSL service just to order the same service on the same phone line again? Because milk isn't carbonated.
Re-ordering our service, we were told, would take about a week. After being without service for so long and with my business suffering, we made it clear that this was unacceptable. Their solution was to give us a dial-up connection.
When I upload those 10MB upgrades and download those 30MB code libraries, I really need the convenience of and reliability of dial-up service. Likewise, whenever my house is burning down, I prefer to use Morse Code when talking to 911.
That week turned in to two weeks before service was finally restored. Einstein would have explained this phenomenom by insisting that the technicians at Verizon were actually traveling at the speed of light, so that our two weeks of waiting was actually only one Verizon week. I have to admit that I'm impressed at Verizon's technical acumen for having produced service vans that can time-travel, although it would be nice if they would apply some of that know-how to their little telecommunications subsidiary.
With phone service and DSL service restored, you would think that the world of the Supreme Aglet would once again be in perfect balance, but then the cell phone bills came in.
That's right, trudging through all those dropped calls and all those hours on the phone with Verizon's other services wasn't going to go unrewarded. For their outstanding contribution to the enrichment of our lives, we get to pay them another $300 in cell phone bills. Happiness, your name is Verizon!
Is this the real life?
Is it just fantasy?
Stuck with Verizon
They don't know my reality
Just close my eyes,
Drown in a Verizon sea
I'm just a poor boy
I need some sympathy
Because it's easy come, easy go
Hear me now? Hear you, no.
Any way the wind blows,
Just bring some service to me
To me.
...
Mama,
Just changed my phone
Got some voice over IP
Drowning in Verizon sea
Mama,
VoIP had just begun
But now they've thrown our service all away
Mama, ooooo,
Didn't want DSL to die
If it's not back again this time next year
Carry on...with dial-up
Because service doesn't matter
Too late
My phone is gone
There's nothing in the line
Twenty questions all the time
Good-bye everybody
I've got no phone
Gotta leave my work undone
And face the truth
Mama, ooooo
Don't want my phone to die
I sometimes wish Verizon wasn't born at all
...
I call a little techy for a little service
"Nothing wrong, nothing wrong, can I ask my 20 questions?"
DSL's not working, don't you go jerking me!
Galileo (Galileo) Galileo--Galileo Figaro! Lousy-oooooooo!
I'm just a customer, nobody loves me
"He's just a customer, wants a little service
"Swearing at us, we're a monstrosity!"
Easy come, easy go, will you give me phone?
"Of-course-not-NO! We will not give you phone
"Give him phone!
"Of-course-not-NO! We will not give you phone
"Give him phone!
"Will not give you phone!
"Give him phone!
"Will not give you phone!
("Will not never never...")Oh give me phooooooone
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
Oh mamamia mamamia!
"Mamamia give him phone
Veriz-a-bub, will you ever get a phone for me...
For me...for me....
...
So you think you can drop me and screw up my line
So you take all my money and leave me to die
Oh, Verizon
Can't do this to me Verizon
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here
...
Doesn't really matter
Anyone can see
Direcway and Cingular
Direcway and Cingular
For me...
Anyway, Verizon blows. (cymbal)
The world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.
It is in this context that I convey to you this pathetic story of a complete breakdown that has created a great deal of distress and bitterness
Because this account represents only my side of the story, I don't think it is fair for me to reveal the name of the telecommunications company responsible for this outrage, except to say that they are one of the largest, if not the largest, [non-]service providers in existence, and that their name starts with a "V", as in "Verizon".
The story begins innocently enough with a response to a solicitation for VoIP telephone service. If you don't live on the cutting edge like I do, then you may not be familiar with VoIP. In short VoIP, or "Voice-over-IP", allows you to use the Internet as a phone service, bypassing much of the traditional telephone network to connect your calls, and therefore saving you a substantial amount of money in billing charges and socialist phone taxes. I am not a socialist.
The prospect of cutting my monthly telephone bill in half was attractive indeed. My concern, however, was that VoIP was self-defeating in that it needed a DSL line to work, which in turn meant that I still needed a phone line, which in turn meant that I would save no money, but actually pay more to have the service.
"Oh no", said the telecommunications company (hereforth referred to with the word "Verizon", just to use a made-up name). "Why, the whole point of VoIP is to save you money, Mr. Supreme Aglet. And anyway, if you're not completely satisfied, you can cancel at any time and go back to traditional phone service."
"But how can VoIP possibly work if I don't have a traditional phone line to carry my DSL service?", I asked.
"Oh, silly little man", replied Verizon, "we're a large telecommunications company. Don't confuse yourself with the technical details, that's our job. We will make it all work very nicely because we're a large and competent telecommunications company."
Now, at this point, I wouldn't blame my readership for ascribing a lack of judgement on my part for proceeding based on this assurance alone. However, hindsight is 20/20 (to coin a phrase), and the combination of hearing this from the horse's mouth (to coin another phrase), the assurance that I could go back to my standard phone service if it didn't work out, and the prospect of saving money all conspired to overcome my skepticism at that moment, and I proceeded.
Shortly afterward, we received the VoIP device in the mail. I set up the device, switched over our standard Verizon phone service to the Verizon VoIP service, and the new service worked satisfactorily.
A few days later, we began to notice problems with our internal network, mostly relating to our Verizon DSL connection. This caused some distress, as the living I earn is largely done out of my home office.
We contacted Verizon DSL, and they were unable to find any problem with our service in spite of the fact that it wasn't working reliably.
Soon, there was no DSL service at all. Another call to Verizon resulted in them telling us that the service works just fine in spite of the fact that it doesn't work.
Concurrently, our VoIP telephone service began to work unreliably. A call to Verizon's VoIP people resulted in them telling us that our VoIP service was working just fine in spite of the fact that it wasn't working just fine.
Soon, we found ourselves with no Internet communications ability and no telephone. The only way to communicate with the outside world was through our Verizon cell phones or via smoke signals, and The Supreme Aglet does not smoke.
Using our Verizon cell phone, we immediately contacted Verizon DSL to try to determine the root of the problem.
Of course, we would wait on hold with Verizon for an hour on our cell phones only to have the call drop after futile cries of "can you hear me now?", then blow another half-hour once we finally got through having each new technician ask the same stupid questions, and then insist that there is nothing wrong.
Getting nowhere with Verizon DSL, we turned to Verizon's VoIP people, who then directed us to the standard phone line people to see if there was a line problem, who then wondered why we were talking to them if we were using VoIP.
It occurred to us that addressing the problem in this way wasn't going to work since the various services at Verizon went completely brain-dead as soon as you mentioned another service. For instance, talking to Verizon DSL dead-ended as soon as you mentioned the word "VoIP". Talking to Verizon VoIP dead-ended as soon as you mentioned the word "DSL". Talking to the standard Verizon telephone service dead-ended as soon as you mentioned either "DSL" or "VoIP".
And, talking to Verizon cell phone service was useless because the calls kept dropping.
Mrs. Supreme Aglet and I determined that if you can't get something done, do it yourself (to coin another phrase), so we decided to start from scratch, cancel Verizon VoIP, and get a new standard line.
A week later, we had phone service again via standard phone line, (I suppose a one-hundred year-old technology like standard phone service reaches down far enough to the level of competence Verizon requires to provide service). Since the line used the same phone number as the previous line, we expected DSL to work. It didn't.
We called Verizon DSL (this time, we only had to wait an hour on hold rather than dropping the call several times on our Verizon cell phones before getting through). We went through the twenty stupid questions routine, after which they looked into the problem and insisted our DSL service was working even though it wasn't.
Now, after hours' and hours' worth of dealing with sheep-level Verizon service, we knew the game well enough to figure out how to get someone on the phone who was actually trained to do something other than ask twenty stupid questions and insist that there is nothing wrong. Once we got hold of this individual--and I'm convinced that there is only one that works at Verizon--we received an assurance that the problem would be investigated.
Oh joy.
A few days later, we were told that the problem could not be rectified, and that we would have to cancel and re-order our DSL. Why should we have to cancel our DSL service just to order the same service on the same phone line again? Because milk isn't carbonated.
Re-ordering our service, we were told, would take about a week. After being without service for so long and with my business suffering, we made it clear that this was unacceptable. Their solution was to give us a dial-up connection.
When I upload those 10MB upgrades and download those 30MB code libraries, I really need the convenience of and reliability of dial-up service. Likewise, whenever my house is burning down, I prefer to use Morse Code when talking to 911.
That week turned in to two weeks before service was finally restored. Einstein would have explained this phenomenom by insisting that the technicians at Verizon were actually traveling at the speed of light, so that our two weeks of waiting was actually only one Verizon week. I have to admit that I'm impressed at Verizon's technical acumen for having produced service vans that can time-travel, although it would be nice if they would apply some of that know-how to their little telecommunications subsidiary.
With phone service and DSL service restored, you would think that the world of the Supreme Aglet would once again be in perfect balance, but then the cell phone bills came in.
That's right, trudging through all those dropped calls and all those hours on the phone with Verizon's other services wasn't going to go unrewarded. For their outstanding contribution to the enrichment of our lives, we get to pay them another $300 in cell phone bills. Happiness, your name is Verizon!
Is this the real life?
Is it just fantasy?
Stuck with Verizon
They don't know my reality
Just close my eyes,
Drown in a Verizon sea
I'm just a poor boy
I need some sympathy
Because it's easy come, easy go
Hear me now? Hear you, no.
Any way the wind blows,
Just bring some service to me
To me.
...
Mama,
Just changed my phone
Got some voice over IP
Drowning in Verizon sea
Mama,
VoIP had just begun
But now they've thrown our service all away
Mama, ooooo,
Didn't want DSL to die
If it's not back again this time next year
Carry on...with dial-up
Because service doesn't matter
Too late
My phone is gone
There's nothing in the line
Twenty questions all the time
Good-bye everybody
I've got no phone
Gotta leave my work undone
And face the truth
Mama, ooooo
Don't want my phone to die
I sometimes wish Verizon wasn't born at all
...
I call a little techy for a little service
"Nothing wrong, nothing wrong, can I ask my 20 questions?"
DSL's not working, don't you go jerking me!
Galileo (Galileo) Galileo--Galileo Figaro! Lousy-oooooooo!
I'm just a customer, nobody loves me
"He's just a customer, wants a little service
"Swearing at us, we're a monstrosity!"
Easy come, easy go, will you give me phone?
"Of-course-not-NO! We will not give you phone
"Give him phone!
"Of-course-not-NO! We will not give you phone
"Give him phone!
"Will not give you phone!
"Give him phone!
"Will not give you phone!
("Will not never never...")Oh give me phooooooone
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
Oh mamamia mamamia!
"Mamamia give him phone
Veriz-a-bub, will you ever get a phone for me...
For me...for me....
...
So you think you can drop me and screw up my line
So you take all my money and leave me to die
Oh, Verizon
Can't do this to me Verizon
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here
...
Doesn't really matter
Anyone can see
Direcway and Cingular
Direcway and Cingular
For me...
Anyway, Verizon blows. (cymbal)
The world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.
posted by The Supreme Aglet at 8:41 AM
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