Saturday, April 30, 2005

Weekend Edition: Proper Pronunciation of "Coupon"

The Supreme Aglet will continue to combine the Saturday and Sunday editions of The Supreme Aglet into a single weekend edition with a weekend-filling thought to ponder.

The thought for this week:

Please consider the proper pronunciation for the word "Coupon".

I hear it pronounced two different ways:

  • "koo'-pon": This is the correct pronunciation, for I have deemed it so.

  • "kyoo'-pon": This pronunciation annoys me. Do not use it. I have deemed it so.


Don't let me catch you passing a "kyoo'pon" during our next happenstance encounter at the grocery store, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday #11

If you are not familiar with our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette, please familiarize yourself by reading this entry before proceeding, or you may suddenly find all of your canned goods without labels.

This week's fan mail comes from Agleteer Paul, (The Supreme Aglet will not reveal the full identity of fan mail contributors unless specifically requested):

Why do you always end your posts with "the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance"?

An excellent question, Agleteer Paul.

I once considered ending posts with "...and squirting orange juice in one's eye causes a stinging sensation", but then I thought twice about the indirect commercial nod to large corporate orange growers. I am not a communist, but I don't give away free advertising either.

So, the only other obvious choice was "...and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance", and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

The Supreme Aglet tells Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Aggie.

Aggie who?

Aggie-let.

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Fannie.

Fannie who?

Fanni-mail Friday.

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Baha.

Baha who?

Baha-llio.

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Verizon.

Verizon sucks?

Right.

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

This dress.

This dress who?

This dress caused some distress.

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

He and She

He and She who?

Note the use of both genders in this knock-knock joke...

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Indy.

Indy who

...Indy-cating the sort of progessive individual that The Supreme Aglet truly is.

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Chicken soup

Chicken soup who?

Chicken soup-reme Aglet.

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Yoo-Ann

Yoo-Ann who?

Just me.

...

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

The world.

The world who?

The world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Wednesday Essay Contest Presidential Candidates

If you haven't been following the controversy surrounding the Wednesday Essay Contest, then you are inferior and should be grazing among the bleating sheep in the fields.

Two candidates have now emerged, each representing the two camps in this controversy. I'm afraid my meeting with these individuals and other concerned Agleteers last week yielded little progress, and I fear that it will only get worse.

I'd like to believe that we Agleteers regard each other as being cut from the same cloth, even when we have disagreements, and excepting the obvious fact that I am better than of all of you.

We share so much in common, and this division should serve to illuminate that what we have in common is far greater than what we don't have in common.

I'm afraid I have no choice but to allow this unfortunate disagreement to work itself out to its logical conclusion. Hopefully, once the dust settles and one side is acknowledged as having triumphed over the other, the more passionate among you will have gotten this out of his or her system (note the use of both genders, indicating...you know the drill), and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday on Tuesday #9

Having extended our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette to Tuesday, The Supreme Aglet enthusiastically submits this beautifully thought-out letter from Agleteer Roger regarding the ongoing discussion about stinky titan, (who we're referring to by the code name "Verizon"):

It is true, Mr. Supreme Aglet, that Verizon services work for many people including, most likely, your contributor Richard T. However, a percentage of subscribers (that's an important word, I'll return to that issue in a moment) have one or more minor nuisance problems with their service(s) at any given time. Some have substantially degraded service.

Verizon has been rated by various groups, including Consumer Union (Consumer Reports' publisher) and ePinions as having the best cellular signal rate in Los Angeles while simultaneously having the worst customer service of any carrier. Thus the paradox: does one choose to use a company with poor service in the hopes of obtaining better
service? So long as a person is in the 85% (my guess) of users who have no substantial technical problem, Verizon's services are good...

I'm going to assume you left out the decimal, i.e that the number of users for whom Verizon's services work satisfactorily is something on the order of 8.5%--you know, with the decimal.

...If one falls into the 15% of users who have a problem, one has just fallen into the Verizon Abyss.

To correct your math, 100% minus the corrected 8.5% number equals 91.5% of customers who have problems with Verizon services and who should therefore switch services right this very minute. I have commanded it.

Verizon's reputation as a provider of poor customer service also comes atop a reputation of being a leader in the promotion of obtuse subscription models intended to mask the true costs of its services and deny consumers the ability to directly compare prices. Most cellular providers have followed suit.

According to Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, Verizon is a classic confusopoly. Further, Verizon and other cellular providers require a subscription to its service. Thus, a user in the abyss is unable to fix the problem owing to Verizon's poor customer service and is unable to extricate him/herself from the contract, compounding the frustration and expense.

This is anti-democratic, and I too am not a communist. For there is no good reason for the subscription. Once the phone is paid for, the expense to the cellular company is incurred only as you use its service. Just as with the water pumped to your home or electricity, no expense is borne by a company if you place no calls. Thus, you should be free to initiate and cancel the service at any time; but because the confusopolies are also an oligopoly, their wishes prevail over that of the marketplace as your choices are limited. This is also undemocratic. And consumers have not pressured their representatives to pass legislation making contract cancellation (without oppressive termination charges) easier once technical problems can be demonstrated (similar to the fair credit reporting act) thereby denying themselves the tool of democracy to bring about positive change; thus, cellular users who are happy with their service provider are also undemocratic. And these communist-leaning peoples are among us; they might even be your neighbor.

Well then, I think I'll go have a word with my neighbor.

Agleteer Roger, I couldn't have said it better myself, (well, maybe I could, for I am Supreme). If you, or any of my readership, would like to take the time to compose a sample letter than can be written to each Agleteer's local congressman specifically addressing the issue of cancellation fees (preferably a class fee refund of the retroactive persuasion), I will publish it here along with links to obtaining contact information and other advice.

I should mention at this point that, because I am not a communist, the thought of asking our government representatives to regulate the behavior of a particular business in this way bothers me intrinsically.

On the other hand, I'm so urinated off at Verizon that I'm ready to swing the hammer and sickle in the direction their sorry sitting surfaces, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Rats in the Hood

There are rats in the hood.

No, really; there are rats in my hood.

I spent last weekend cleaning rat poop out of our sizable garage, coming to the obvious conclusion that a family of rats is living somewhere in the garage area. I was unable to determine precisely where they made their home, unfortunately, so I decided to purchase some rat termination equipment.

Mrs. Supreme Aglet insisted that we purchase the sort of traps which preserve the productive lives of rodents who crap all over our garage and present the prospect of tracking stool into our home. So, I purchased a pair of inexpensive live traps from the local Home Depot, (which I amusingly refer to as "Home Despot" in normal conversation).

These traps are simple in operation: they are small, long boxes just large enough for the animal to crawl in and take bait from the rear of the box. They have a small fulcrum point in the middle, so that they tip slightly when the animal enters the box, and the tipping causes a door to close and lock behind it.

Mrs. Supreme Aglet set one of the traps in the garage Sunday evening. Just a few minutes later, I went into the garage on another pretext and immediately noticed that the trap was gone.

It was a Tom and Jerry moment. As I was staring at the empty spot where the trap once was, my mind replayed a scene of the cat Tom putting out a hair-trigger mouse trap for Jerry with a big piece of cheese on the trigger, only to watch Jerry drag the trap by its cheese into his little hole in the wall without incident, and then happily consume the cheese right off the trap, bite by bite. Of course, Tom reaches in the mouse hole to grab the trap and the slightest touch results in snapping the trap on his fingers. Poor Tom.

I called for Mrs. Supreme Aglet to join me in the garage. "Uh, didn't you just place a trap right there?", I asked.

She acknowledged that she had done so, and I know I saw it there after it was set. Perplexed, we both began to wade through our vehicles, bicycles, and other garage fodder in search of the trap.

"Shhh", Mrs. Supreme Aglet said, as she held up her hand to indicate that we should freeze and listen.

I heard it too: something was scurrying among something else somewhere in our immediate vicinity. It sounded like little tiny claws scratching against the metal on a 1960's-era automobile, and since the only such object in our immediate vicinity was my 1964 Cadillac Coupe de Ville, it became the logical conclusion that one or more rats was somewhere in the vehicle's front end. It sounded specifically like it was in the hood.

"In the hood?", I hear many of you ask.

Perhaps I should point out something before we proceed: automobiles were once very substantial things. A hood wasn't just a flat sheet of metal, it was a 3-dimensional structure. The underside of the hood on this particular vehicle reveals openings into long and narrow support structures--just large enough, apparently, for a rodent to crawl into and make a home if s/he were so inclined. (Note the use of both genders even when referring to rodents, indicating the progressive individual that The Supreme Aglet truly is.)

Upon opening the hood, I heard the little booger slide down the inside of the hood.

Unfortunately, it was fairly late in the evening and neither Mrs. Supreme Aglet nor I were inclined to develop some ingenious way of locating the specific area of the rat or rats and removing him or her, so we left it/them there, hopefully to eventually venture out for food and find the larger trap we had purchased from Home Despot.

Before leaving the garage, I closed the hood, which was likely very unpleasant for little rat ears. Closing the hood on that vehicle produces a cacophony of thunder that is unpleasant even for human ears, prompting Mother Goose to change her famous rhyme to "Three Deaf Mice", ("Three Deaf Rats", whatever) and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Weekend Edition: Eating Ice Cream with a Fork

The Supreme Aglet will continue to combine the Saturday and Sunday editions of The Supreme Aglet into a single weekend edition with a weekend-filling thought to ponder.

The thought for this week:

Is Eating Ice Cream with a Fork So Peculiar?

The Supreme Aglet finds himself perplexed over the behavior of the majority of people he encounters who question his preference for eating ice cream with a fork.

As the textbook out-of-the-box thinker, it should come as no surprise that I have certain habits that may be out of the mainstream, but that are nonetheless examples of a superior approach to accomplishing tasks that are regarded to have established mechanics.

Even so, I must admit to being more than a little annoyed when the lady or gentleman behind the counter at Coldstone or 31 Flavors stares at me in confusion as a result of asking if they happen to have forks, (note the reference to both genders in the foregoing sentence, indicating the sort of progessive individual that The Supreme Aglet truly is). Almost invariably, once the individual manages to utter a response, it is in the form of, "uhhh, no, but we have spoons".

I allow for the fact that the individual in question may rarely get a request for forks at an ice cream establishment, but the implication that I'm some sort of freak, along with the brain-dead response citing the obvious fact that "we have spoons", combine to cause some minor distress.

Every once in awhile, I encounter someone--either behind the ice cream counter or waiting in line--who relates to my desire to eat ice cream with a fork. Those moments are therapeutic, similar to the feelings people encounter in support group meetings dealing with unique shared experiences.

Some who I encounter will query me as to the reasoning behind using a fork to eat ice cream, as if I am obligated to explain this culinary abberation. It is difficult to explain: in short, it is easier for a pair of lips to form around the flat surface of a fork rather than a curved surface of a spoon, and it is therefore more comfortable. In addition, a spoon leaves more ice cream behind, as one's lips cannot scrape the ice cream off of a spoon as cleanly as off of a fork.

It also makes sense when approaching the question from a purely logical standpoint: a spoon is designed to contain liquidic food; a fork is designed to contain and manage more solid foods. Ice cream falls into the solids category until melted, after which I frankly find it gross to eat.

So, next time you encounter someone who prefers to eat ice cream with a fork, your first reaction should not be that this individual is a freak, but that s/he possesses superior intellect, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday #10

If you are not familiar with our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette, please familiarize yourself by reading this entry before proceeding, or you may discover that all of your jeans no longer fit.

This week's fan mail comes from Agleteer Roger, (The Supreme Aglet will not reveal the full identity of fan mail contributors unless specifically requested), in response to hearing (by way of imagination) my rendition of The Song of Crimino:

It would be nice if Crimino got 10 years. As best I can tell, he didn't do any time or certainly less than 12 months.

Sir, you speak as if Crimino is a real entity--as if he is some sort of analogy for some real individual involved in some sort of real occurrence in my own life, such as a disagreement over some sort of property triggered by the loss of an investment that itself possibly resulted from the influence of shady characters. Perhaps I should remind you that Crimino is nothing more than a character from a fairy tale, and that any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental.

Besides, Crimino's case is on appeal, so even if he actually existed, he wouldn't yet have been sentenced assuming he loses the appeal.

On the other hand, if you are the sort who is given to believe in the existence of Alice in Wonderland or Peter Pan, I apologize if I have offended your sensibilities, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Here's the Door, Stinky

On April 20, 2005, 8:54pm, I called Verizon to cancel cell phone service, having acquired new service from Cingular.

Of course, there is no way the drone who took the call could understand the impact of that moment, for Verizon does not officially know me as The Supreme Aglet, but rather by my alias of[Microsoft ODBC - call failed. Please contact the system administrator. @101#]erefore does not realize who it is they have squandered away as a customer.

Because the cellular contract under which Mrs. Supreme Aglet was obligated has not yet expired, I will be receiving a bill for a rape fee in the mail from Verizon for about $175. I have been able to demonstrate to the customer tormenting manager that Verizon calls regularly drop if attempted or received from the area in which I live, which obligates Verizon to waive the fee. Being properly trained, their response to this demonstration is that my service works fine. You know, because they say so.

Cingular kindly covered most of the rape fee, and my readers should know that Cingular is willing to do this if you too feel shackled by the destructive antics of the Titan.

That's one service down, two to go. Replacing DSL and phone service will prove to be more challenging, but being motivated by rage tends to make one pretty creative, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again perfect balance.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Update on Wednesday Essay Contest Controversy

I am disappointed to report that the Wednesday Essay Contest controversy has become quite contentious.

On behalf of my beloved Agleteers, who number in the millions and who honor me regularly by hanging a Supreme Aglet action figure from their car mirror, I met with the leader of each group (the Essaycrats and Agleteericans). They have taken their positions very seriously and each is vying for control of the Wednesday edition of The Supreme Aglet.

This meeting was reported in several national news sources, but the gist of it is that the rift between Essaycrats and Agleteericans is very real and causes me distress. It is quite a shame considering that these are all quite accomplished individuals--as is the case with all Supreme Aglet readers--and that what they share in common far exceeds their petty disagreements.

In any case, it is my hope that you will all conduct yourselves congenially as we work through this contentious time. If any of you are experiencing an unusual amount of distress, please feel free to purchase a Supreme Aglet stress ball from the Web site. I have marked them up $3 a piece in order to profit from this delicate situation, but I am also including self-adhesive stamps (used) on the box in which the item(s) are delivered to your home, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday on Tuesday #8

Having extended our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette to Tuesday, The Supreme Aglet humbly submits a letter from one who identifies himself as "Richard T." It seems that the ongoing discussion about stinky titan, (who we're referring to by the code name "Verizon"), has attracted controversy on both sides:

Mr. Supreme Aglet, this crusade you're on about Verizon is really getting on my nerves. I hope you balance your complaints by printing my message, and it is this: like you, I have several Verizon services. I've never had any major problems with Verizon. My cell phone, home phone, and DSL work fine. Maybe it's something you're doing wrong, and you should think about that instead of blaming Verizon for your troubles.

Richard T., due to the vast resources available to me (a.k.a. Google), a quick search of your suspicious e-mail address reveals that you are actually a Verizon employee or contractor posing as a fake Agleteer. Interestingly, the acronym resulting from "Fake Agleteer Richard T." spells "F.A.R.T."

It is also clear that you are a Verizon employee because your reasoning is based on the fact that your Verizon services work for you, therefore my Verizon services work fine for me even when they don't.

Then again, I may be jumping to conclusions considering that you left out the twenty useless questions, but maybe you missed that day of training.

I suspect you can hear me now, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Monday, April 18, 2005

How I Overcame Writer's Block

You will likely not notice, but I am experiencing writer's block at this very moment. This may seem contradictory to the title of today's post, which indicates that I have overcome my writer's block.

This, of course, is just another of the amazing feats that The Supreme Aglet can pull off--right before your very eyes, I am overcoming my writer's block by simply talking about it. Dang I love me!!

Before I began working on today's post, I had no idea what to say. I still have no idea what to say, but you wouldn't know it unless I told you. I'm not sure I believe it myself, because here I am saying things when I thought that I'd have nothing to say.

There's a certain value to meaningless rambling after all. I'm just saying things and not really forming any new thoughts. Really, I'm just repeating the same ideas over and over. Really, I'm just repeating the same ideas over and over.

However, since the reader has been kind enough to drudge on with me all the way to this final paragraph, I shall introduce an entirely new thought for this post: the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Weekend Edition: How to Assemble a Schmicknick

The Supreme Aglet will continue to combine the Saturday and Sunday editions of The Supreme Aglet into a single weekend edition, and containing only a single thought to ponder.

The thought for this week:

How to Assemble a Schmicknick

The following is reprinted with permission from the Feldman and Sons Schmicknick manual:

1. Arrange the enclosed dinkums (3) in parallel, approximately 6 inches apart.

2. Affix the mushnoos to each dinkum, holding the blunt end of each mushnoo firmly against the mushnoo fooby on the other end. There are 4 mushnoos per dinkum.

3. Insert a flubbum for each set of mushnoos across the aligned dinkums.

4. Attach a fooby to the end of each flubbum to hold it in place.

5. With the dinkum assembly completed, carefully place and align the meenopple atop the dinkum assembly. Turn sideways and have an adult hold it upright.

6. Ensure that the meenopple wangschmeres penetrate all the way through the dinkums. Attach a fooby to the end of each meenopple wangschmere.

7. Your schmicknick is now ready to operate, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday #9

If you are not familiar with our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette, please familiarize yourself by reading this entry before proceeding, or you may be secretly video-taped while showering.

This week's fan mail comes from Agleteer Ken, (The Supreme Aglet will not reveal the full identity of fan mail contributors unless specifically requested):

Mr. Supreme Aglet sir, I don't know how to say this, but I have a criticism.

I don't like where this going already.

Your new "Weekend Edition" featurette disturbs me.

You do seem to be a disturbed individual.

While I found it as entertaining as any of the others of your wonderful and spiritual writings,

Spiritual?

the joy of reading it was countered by having nothing new to read on Sunday morning. I can't live like this, Mr. Supreme Aglet. I can't. Sundays without The Supreme Aglet are like cereal without milk, toast without butter,

...stamps without some form of adhesive...

a book without pages, a piano with no keys.

Can you help me, Mr. Supreme Aglet? Could you perhaps write a single word--any word--just to give me something to look forward to on Sunday morning. Even something as simple as "It's Sunday and the world of the Supreme Aglet is in perfect balance."

Perhaps a Bible sermon would be most appropriate for Sunday. Maybe some sort of virtual brunch. Maybe a parade.

Well Agleteer Ken, I was following you until that last paragraph where you sort of veered from the fringe into the abyss.

Rarely do I get mail that does something other than ask a question or praise me, so I found your mail particularly intriguing. Nonetheless, I am not able to address your Sunday morning void at this time, as the Weekend Edition Featurette will remain in place for the foreseeable future. I cannot ask millions of Agleteers the world over to accept the shock of such a rapid change in our featurette schedule in order to accommodate a single Agleteer. I'm sure you understand.

Might I suggest that, prior to reading The Supreme Aglet on Sunday mornings, try holding a powerful magnet close to the left side of your head for several seconds. This will erase all memory of the previous day (and perhaps your lifetime), and so reading The Supreme Aglet will be a new experience for you.

Of course, I would not recommend this unless I had first tried it and, uh, what were we talking about again? Something about the world of the Supreme Aglet being once again in perfect balance?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

The Song of Crimino

If you have not met Crimino, or if you have otherwise not been following the story of Ballio and the Great Wonder Wizard, then I will assume you have not been reading The Supreme Aglet faithfully, and that you are therefore a loser.

Today, I have composed a song inspired by Crimino's past. It is to be sung to the tune of AC/DC's Back in Black:

Back in jail
I hit the rail
I took the money and I thought I would sail

I got caught
Thanks a lot
I guess I thought the DOJ could be bought

I was clever you see
My lawyer working with me
A trail of money through an obfuscated sea

I got nine counts
But I'll bounce
I'll bamboozle you and then you'll be trounced

'cause I'm back!
Yes, I'm back!
Mama, I'm Back!
Yes, I'm back!
Well, I'm back, back.
Well, I'm back in jail, yes I'm back in jail!

Back in the pen
I'm doin' ten
I'll meet new friends and I'll get out and then

I'll find a schmuck
Who's outta' luck
I'll take his Wonder Dust and then he'll be stuck

With quite a mess
Here's my address:
Penitentiary in Los An-ge-les

You'll find me here
Steerin' clear
Of Bubba who's been starin' at my rear

'cause I'm back!
Yes, I'm back!
Well, I'm Back!
Yes, I'm back!
Well, I'm back, back.
Well, I'm back in jail, yes I'm back in jail!

(Crimino's cool guitar solo)

Well, I'm back, back,
Back, back, back, back,
Back in jail, yes, I'm back in jail

And so, having officially become hip and with it for writing lyrics to an AC/DC tune, the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

About the Wednesday Essay Contest Controversy

Some Agleteers have been writing with strong feelings about out Wednesday Essay Contest featurette. Opinions fall into one of two categories: 1) put an end to the fledgling Wednesday Essay Contest featurette in order to free up an extra day for pure Supreme Aglet wisdom, or 2) this is the most valuable and worthy featurette among all featurettes because it contributes to the heralded expression of thought so well associated with Agleteers, and it must remain.

Perhaps you are familiar with this controversy, as it has spilled into the streets of large American cities in the form of contentious protests, and these protests have garnered the attention of national news outlets. It has split Agleteers into two parties: the Agleteericans and the Essaycrats.

I am distressed that this controversy has yielded such division, and I call on Agleteers everywhere to put their differences behind them as we work to remedy the disagreement behind the controversy.

I urge you to look to me as your father figure and as your example of how to approach disagreements congenially, and working toward a mutually beneficial outcome.

I am so confident that we will soon be able to come together and put this mess behind us that I have already purchased several gallons of lemonade for our 4th of July party, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday on Tuesday #7

Having extended our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette to Tuesday, The Supreme Aglet humbly submits a letter from Agleteer David, (The Supreme Aglet will not reveal...blah blah blah). It seems that The Supreme Aglet isn't the only one who has been bitten in the asbestos suit by the stinky titan, (who we're referring to by the code name "Verizon"):

Alas, my poor friend, The Supreme Aglet, how well do I feel your pain. I too have experienced the gauntlet known as Verizon. Yet, I had to face the beast without the vast knowledge of binary coding and Windows XP such as you have.

Note from The Supreme Aglet: I actually know a lot more than that. I am Supreme. I am Aglet. Resuming...

As an innocent consumer I signed up for Verizon DSL just as you did. The first week was bliss-fast downloads, super speed (compared to dial-up), the web was my oyster.

Another note from The Supreme Aglet: Oysters are tasty. Resuming...

But, as you now know, the fun was short-lived. I experienced weeks that turned into months going through the 20 question routine and dealing with reps that had no knowledge or concerns of my previous cases. After hours of relentless trouble-shooting and doing my best to maintain my composure with the idiot on the other end of the phone-I was finally told that there was a major problem in several states, one of which was the great state of Texas, where I reside...

Everything is big in Texas. Resuming...

...and I do recall California being on the list. I was assured the problem would be remedied.

"Oh, stupid consumer, how well you follow like little lambs."

Needless to say the problem continued. The fiasco ended suddenly and abruptly one Saturday evening, I finally blew my top and yelled at the Verizon rep demanding that I speak to the "man in charge." I'd had it, I wanted to cancel my service!

Spent, I slept well that evening.

I have new service now, I am content. I only wish the Supreme Aglet would have confided in an Agleteer for advice before making such a decision. It may have saved some heartache.

It may well have saved some heartache, but then, would I have material for The Supreme Aglet if not for buffoons like Verizon?

Agleteer David, stories like yours need to be shouted from the mountain-top, which is pretty much what one has to do when dealing with a telecommunications company that can't reliably provide more convenient vehicles of communication.

Sure, you and I represent only two individuals against the mammoth corporate sloth that is Verizon. However, Agleteers in general number into the millions, and our numbers can certainly bring down this putrid-smelling titan.

I therefore command all Agleteers who are currently taking any Verizon service(s) to discontinue all such services immediately, even if it means cutting off your phone and DSL line, (you can still receive The Supreme Aglet by smoke signal).

Having issued the command, Verizon will surely be out of business by the end of the week, and world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Ballio III: Marika Calls a Truce

If you have not read the original Ballio tale or the exciting, edge-of-your-seat sequel, then you are either new to The Supreme Aglet or you are a loser. I will assume the latter.

In our last episode, Ballio and Boormund had found the magic scroll that granted the balls to Ballio, and a showdown was set for the armies of inerpreters of the law from the Great Wonder Wizard and Zorphine, matched against the mighty white-hearted Stelman.

The clash of these titans produced an awesome nuclear display. Stelman swiftly wielded the magic scroll, and many interpreters of the law fell. Many still stood, however, and the battle raged on.

Zorphine himself engaged in the battle, firing directly at Ballio from his magic mail cannon. Ursal also joined the battle on Zorphine's behalf, attempting to lure the warrior Suraija. Agleteer Thomas put a stop to that.

The fierce battle raged on, when from somewhere in the distance, a soft angelic voice was subtly heard, "Children..."

The battle wore on, with the thunderous noises drowning out the angelic voice.

"Children", came the voice again.

Ballio and Zorphine both heard the voice, and called off their warriors. All was quiet and still, as the interpreters of the law looked in the sky for the source of this angelic voice.

"Children, why do you fight?", came the voice again.

"Look! Over there!", said a warrior, pointing toward the sky where the goddess Marika was descending upon Playton.

The goddess spoke again, "Zorphine, Ballio, you must stop this nonsense."

"Must, stop?", Zorphine said, entranced.

Ballio did not speak, for he too was entranced by the beauty and splendor of the goddess Marika. He had encountered Marika before, and knew that she had much more to offer than Zorphine or the Great Wonder Wizard.

Boormund saw that Ballio was frozen by Marika's words, and tried to break him from his trance, "Ballio, stop! Awake!" It was to no avail.

The Great Wonder Wizard, who also was not affected by the overwhelming beauty of the goddess Marika, was intrigued, but saw no reason to interrupt her pleas. "If this goddess can persuade Ballio to call off Stelman", he thought, "perhaps Ballio and Zorphine can again work together to create wonder dust, which I shall share in."

"Children," continued Marika, "you must call off the interpreters of the law. You must combine your strengths and once again create beautiful balls for the villagers of Playton."

"But, he started it!", said Ballio.

"And he made it worse!", said Zorphine.

"This is lame.", said Boormund.

Marika interrupted, "Shhhh. You must put that behind you, now. I have spoken." And with that Marika ascended back into the heavens.

Zorphine and Ballio looked at each other from across the battlefield, and began walking toward the center. As they did, a banquet table appeared, and each took a seat at the ends of the table.

"I cannot turn away from the admonitions of Marika", said Ballio.

"Nor can I," said Zorphine. "I must also try to do the will of the Great Wonder Wizard."

"Then we must come to terms. We have no choice." said Ballio. "I shall draft a list of terms and send it to you by swift courier tomorrow."

"And I shall review and amend it." said Zorphine. "We will continue thusly until we have an agreement."

And indeed, the swift courier went back and forth the next day between Zorphine's fortress and Ballio's home with scroll after scroll after scroll.

Finally, an agreement was reached. Ballio gave up much, but also had much more than before, and was able to reward those who helped him in his struggle. His long friendship with Zorphine was intact, the Great Wonder Wizard was pleased, and Ballio could be confident that he would get some from Marika, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Weekend Edition Featurette #1

The Supreme Aglet will now proceed to combine the Saturday and Sunday editions of The Supreme Aglet into a single weekend edition, and containing only a single thought to ponder.

The thought for this week is this:

If I'm using shampoo that is orange and smells like tangerines, why does it lather up white?

If anyone has any problem with this new weekend format, please call (800) 567-6789. When you get someone on the line, say to him or her "your service sucks". I do not offer this remedy in jest; I am seriously asking you to call that number and utter those words.

Note the use of both genders in the preceding paragraph, indicating the sort of progressive individual that The Supreme Aglet truly is. Note also that the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday #8

If you are not familiar with our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette, please familiarize yourself by reading this entry before proceeding, or that chicken you ate last night may come to life on its way out.

This week's fan mail comes from Agleteer Foster, (The Supreme Aglet will not reveal the full identity of fan mail contributors unless specifically requested):

i'm thinking of starting a country with my cousin. both of us like to call in to those commercials that sell things where you have to mail in a check, and we figure having our own country would save us money on stamps because we can have our own postal service for free. how do you start a country?

Agleteer Foster, this is America. In America, you are the country, (which causes me some distress in your case).

With that in mind, a more efficient way to solve your problem would be to become President of this country--or better yet, work around the clock and dedicate the rest of your life to making me President. If elected, I promise to put an end to this silly requirement of paying for postage stamps.

That's right! Simply make me President, and mailing in for those TV offers will be a snap! Get started right now, and you'll get this beautiful set of Ginsu knives!

No more licking. No more standing in line at the post office for questionably heavy items. No more trying to line up the stamp with the little box on the envelope!

Housewife: [surrounded with stacks of letters] I used to pay to send all these, and I had to mail them one at a time! But since I got this new and improved President, I just dial up his postal minions, and my letters are wisked away, just like that!

Young Man in a Ferrari: Before I got my new President, I was drowning in debt from paying for letter after letter. But now, I drive a Ferrari!

You too can benefit from free lifetime postage! Just make me President!

But wait, there's more!

If you elect me President, you'll also get an oval "I Voted" sticker just for voting! This rare sticker comes ensconched in a beautiful folding display case, and each comes with a certificate of authenticity on its backside confirming that it sticks.

You get it all: the knives, the free postage, the "I Voted" sticker, for the amazingly low price of one vote, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Supreme Aglet Reveals His Alias

My vast readership is plainly aware of the fact that my true identity as The Supreme Aglet must be kept secret, and that I actually live my life under an alias name, participating as an ordinary citizen, wearing normal clothing rather than the blue and red tights I have on at the moment.

Many have asked me who my alias is. They wonder if they have met my alias self on the street somewhere, or perhaps at the gas station or Taco Bell.

Who is The Supreme Aglet's alias?

After giving it much thought, I have decided to publish my name and contact information, including my address, Social Security number, and a credit card number just to prove that I really am the person I claim to be. So, without further ado, my nam[Microsoft ODBC - call failed. Please contact the system administrator. @101#]orld of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Wednesday Essay Contest #1 Winners

The Supreme Aglet is pleased at the response to my new Wednesday Essay Contest #n featurette. Although I would like to feature everyone's hard work and share the reward money with all who participated, I can only choose one winner for each side of the question. And even those winners aren't getting a dime.

To refresh your memory, the question posed for our first essay contest was:

Licked Stamps or Adhesive Stamps: Which do you Prefer?

The winner of the pro-lick persuasion of stamps was Agleteer David, (The Supreme Aglet will not reveal the full identity of fan mail contributors unless specifically requested), with this thoughtful entry:

At first, it seems quite obvious. Without a thought I would select pre-adhesive stamps. After all, pre-adhesive stamps are convenient, quick and don’t leave the horrible after taste in your mouth. But after further thought--I’m thinking I may withdraw my initial response. Let’s break down the thought process on this:

First, there is the pre-adhesive stamp. Sure it’s nice, neat and you can have food in your mouth while applying it, but what does it represent? It represents the age of convenience, the age of a rushed and hurried society, a time when people accept, without question, any change as long as it makes life faster. And, if you ever get to the post office to stand in line, these rushed and hurried people never take the time to say hi or even smile. They’re too busy closing the next business deal on their cell phone to bother with the trivial action of being a friendly neighbor.

On the other hand, we have the licked stamp adhesive. Although the taste my be unpleasant it takes you back to memories of the good 'ol days. I’m reminded of a small town, Moline, Kansas, where my grandparents retired. As a child you could walk downtown to deliver a letter for grandpa without the fear of any evil coming upon you. You could spend no more than a quarter to deliver a personal, hand written message to a loved one. The old timers would stand in line and talk about the catch of the day and everyone would greet you as you passed by. You had to hold the stamp in place until it dried but that was okay because life was slow. You enjoyed the moment and didn’t worry about rushing to the next item on your agenda.

Maybe it’s not as complicated as I’m making it. Maybe I’m being a little cynical, but then again, I must say, I miss the days of licking stamps.

Thank you David for your entry. And now, for your prize, take a deep breath...congratulations, you have just won a deep breath.

Next, taking a more broad point of view which permits all types of stamps to be preferred (and suggests that this individual couldn't make up his mind to save his life), I would like to recognize Agleteer Jim's essay on the subject:

Hands down the pre-applied adhesive stamps are the most convenient. One wonders why they weren't around years ago. A plus is that they do not stick to everything in your wallet when it rains!

Even more convenient than licked or adhesive stamps are the metered-mail machines (which were not included in you poll list). The negative features are the monotonous clack-clack of the unit and the jump in the electric bill.

The lick-licks were my favorite, as the taste always reminded me of my early school years, when I put my fingers into the paste jars. I think that the general public would appreciate their return if they came with assorted glue flavors, such as strawberry, scotch, banana, scotch, cherry, scotch, just to mention a few.

Agleteer Jim, for your prize, I would like you to find the nearest window and see what is parked in front of your residence...congratulations, you have just won the opportunity to stare at your car.

Thank you both for your reasoned and well-written entries. You are an inspiration to Aglteers the world over.

Next week's essay contest:

For our next essay contest, I should like Agleteers to submit an essay on the following topic:

Alternate Uses for my Mouse Pad

Submit your essay to thesupremeaglet@hotmail.com, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday on Tuesday #6

Having extended our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette to Tuesday, The Supreme Aglet humbly submits this secret communication from Agleteer Thomas.

Dear Supreme Aglet,

Although I know that your wisdom is unparalleled, I thought nonetheless you might not be aware of recent developments in Playton. Namely, Zorphine’s putrid and avaricious assistant Ursal has been sending messengers all over the land in an attempt to obtain the services of lesser ball makers.

How do I know this? For a period of time Ballio had an apprentice named Suraija to help him with the many chores of making Wonder Balls. Suraija has since become a Master Ball Maker in her own right and has been hard at work producing a type of wonder ball for an entire village located across the great pond that borders Playton in the East. It is Suraija that received the message from the abominable Ursal.

To her credit Suraija asked “Why are you asking an apprentice to do the work of a Master Ball Maker? “ When Ursal did not produce a satisfactory explanation Surija, who as Ballio’s former apprentice knew that Ballio loved nothing better than to make his Wonder Balls for Zorphine, politely declined Ursal’s request for her services.

Thomas, thank you for alerting The Supreme Aglet to this vital piece of information. I have forwarded your communication to Ballio, and he will work with Stelman--mighty interpreter of the law--to put an immediate stop to these shenanigans.

Involving Suraija is an obvious attempt to steal the cores that Ballio has established are his. If this were not so, the interpreters of the law who assist Zorphine and Ursal would have mounted a challenge to Stelman; for if they were in the right, the force of right would be enough to defeat even the mighty Stelman.

But they did not challenge Stelman, leaving Ursal to follow his natural shyster instinct.

Note to Ursal: the jig is up, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Of Rubber Bands and Pancakes

The title of today's post was intended to draw your interest, yet this particular post has nothing to do with rubber bands or pancakes. Rather, it is about pencils and ladybugs, although neither of these is the subject of today's post either.

Today, I have gathered Agleteers together to discuss something of great importance, and completely irrelevant: that is, we will not discuss the viscosity of ice cream, nor will we address any issues pertaining to boneless shrimp.

Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about...

Sunglasses and soda pop
An elephant sundae with a cherry on top
The red light flashing says "hey man, stop!"
You wouldn't want a ticket from the cop
Just like a freaky turtle, you hop hop hop
Wasn't it Hanson that sang "Mmm Bop"?
And sent you off dancing with that mop?
Until you were noticed by your Pop?
Who said "kid, clean up that slop!"
So you worked until you dropped
But realized your room grew a crop
The whole thing seemed like a flop
...until you noticed that the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

The Supreme Aglet Speaks in Metaphors

The world without The Supreme Aglet is like having the wheels, but no car.

The pontifications of The Supreme Aglet are like the fog that is exhaled on a cold day.

The Supreme Aglet is fleet of foot, like a bolt from the heavens, seen before the thunder is heard.

The impact of The Supreme Aglet's words are not the earthquake, but the aftershock.

To be like The Supreme Aglet is to be like the bloomed rose removed from her unbloomed sisters.

To be in the presence of The Supreme Aglet is to get wet with the fountain of erubidation

To erubidate is impossible, for there is no such word.

And lastly, I never metaphor that I didn't like, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

The Stinky Titan

The Supreme Aglet finds himself forced to deal with incompetent people of the moronic persuasion from time to time. Ironically, these are people who somehow have been given the power to wreak total havoc on the lives of those who are actually paying them to bring order.

It is in this context that I convey to you this pathetic story of a complete breakdown that has created a great deal of distress and bitterness

Because this account represents only my side of the story, I don't think it is fair for me to reveal the name of the telecommunications company responsible for this outrage, except to say that they are one of the largest, if not the largest, [non-]service providers in existence, and that their name starts with a "V", as in "Verizon".

The story begins innocently enough with a response to a solicitation for VoIP telephone service. If you don't live on the cutting edge like I do, then you may not be familiar with VoIP. In short VoIP, or "Voice-over-IP", allows you to use the Internet as a phone service, bypassing much of the traditional telephone network to connect your calls, and therefore saving you a substantial amount of money in billing charges and socialist phone taxes. I am not a socialist.

The prospect of cutting my monthly telephone bill in half was attractive indeed. My concern, however, was that VoIP was self-defeating in that it needed a DSL line to work, which in turn meant that I still needed a phone line, which in turn meant that I would save no money, but actually pay more to have the service.

"Oh no", said the telecommunications company (hereforth referred to with the word "Verizon", just to use a made-up name). "Why, the whole point of VoIP is to save you money, Mr. Supreme Aglet. And anyway, if you're not completely satisfied, you can cancel at any time and go back to traditional phone service."

"But how can VoIP possibly work if I don't have a traditional phone line to carry my DSL service?", I asked.

"Oh, silly little man", replied Verizon, "we're a large telecommunications company. Don't confuse yourself with the technical details, that's our job. We will make it all work very nicely because we're a large and competent telecommunications company."

Now, at this point, I wouldn't blame my readership for ascribing a lack of judgement on my part for proceeding based on this assurance alone. However, hindsight is 20/20 (to coin a phrase), and the combination of hearing this from the horse's mouth (to coin another phrase), the assurance that I could go back to my standard phone service if it didn't work out, and the prospect of saving money all conspired to overcome my skepticism at that moment, and I proceeded.

Shortly afterward, we received the VoIP device in the mail. I set up the device, switched over our standard Verizon phone service to the Verizon VoIP service, and the new service worked satisfactorily.

A few days later, we began to notice problems with our internal network, mostly relating to our Verizon DSL connection. This caused some distress, as the living I earn is largely done out of my home office.

We contacted Verizon DSL, and they were unable to find any problem with our service in spite of the fact that it wasn't working reliably.

Soon, there was no DSL service at all. Another call to Verizon resulted in them telling us that the service works just fine in spite of the fact that it doesn't work.

Concurrently, our VoIP telephone service began to work unreliably. A call to Verizon's VoIP people resulted in them telling us that our VoIP service was working just fine in spite of the fact that it wasn't working just fine.

Soon, we found ourselves with no Internet communications ability and no telephone. The only way to communicate with the outside world was through our Verizon cell phones or via smoke signals, and The Supreme Aglet does not smoke.

Using our Verizon cell phone, we immediately contacted Verizon DSL to try to determine the root of the problem.

Of course, we would wait on hold with Verizon for an hour on our cell phones only to have the call drop after futile cries of "can you hear me now?", then blow another half-hour once we finally got through having each new technician ask the same stupid questions, and then insist that there is nothing wrong.

Getting nowhere with Verizon DSL, we turned to Verizon's VoIP people, who then directed us to the standard phone line people to see if there was a line problem, who then wondered why we were talking to them if we were using VoIP.

It occurred to us that addressing the problem in this way wasn't going to work since the various services at Verizon went completely brain-dead as soon as you mentioned another service. For instance, talking to Verizon DSL dead-ended as soon as you mentioned the word "VoIP". Talking to Verizon VoIP dead-ended as soon as you mentioned the word "DSL". Talking to the standard Verizon telephone service dead-ended as soon as you mentioned either "DSL" or "VoIP".

And, talking to Verizon cell phone service was useless because the calls kept dropping.

Mrs. Supreme Aglet and I determined that if you can't get something done, do it yourself (to coin another phrase), so we decided to start from scratch, cancel Verizon VoIP, and get a new standard line.

A week later, we had phone service again via standard phone line, (I suppose a one-hundred year-old technology like standard phone service reaches down far enough to the level of competence Verizon requires to provide service). Since the line used the same phone number as the previous line, we expected DSL to work. It didn't.

We called Verizon DSL (this time, we only had to wait an hour on hold rather than dropping the call several times on our Verizon cell phones before getting through). We went through the twenty stupid questions routine, after which they looked into the problem and insisted our DSL service was working even though it wasn't.

Now, after hours' and hours' worth of dealing with sheep-level Verizon service, we knew the game well enough to figure out how to get someone on the phone who was actually trained to do something other than ask twenty stupid questions and insist that there is nothing wrong. Once we got hold of this individual--and I'm convinced that there is only one that works at Verizon--we received an assurance that the problem would be investigated.

Oh joy.

A few days later, we were told that the problem could not be rectified, and that we would have to cancel and re-order our DSL. Why should we have to cancel our DSL service just to order the same service on the same phone line again? Because milk isn't carbonated.

Re-ordering our service, we were told, would take about a week. After being without service for so long and with my business suffering, we made it clear that this was unacceptable. Their solution was to give us a dial-up connection.

When I upload those 10MB upgrades and download those 30MB code libraries, I really need the convenience of and reliability of dial-up service. Likewise, whenever my house is burning down, I prefer to use Morse Code when talking to 911.

That week turned in to two weeks before service was finally restored. Einstein would have explained this phenomenom by insisting that the technicians at Verizon were actually traveling at the speed of light, so that our two weeks of waiting was actually only one Verizon week. I have to admit that I'm impressed at Verizon's technical acumen for having produced service vans that can time-travel, although it would be nice if they would apply some of that know-how to their little telecommunications subsidiary.

With phone service and DSL service restored, you would think that the world of the Supreme Aglet would once again be in perfect balance, but then the cell phone bills came in.

That's right, trudging through all those dropped calls and all those hours on the phone with Verizon's other services wasn't going to go unrewarded. For their outstanding contribution to the enrichment of our lives, we get to pay them another $300 in cell phone bills. Happiness, your name is Verizon!

Is this the real life?
Is it just fantasy?
Stuck with Verizon
They don't know my reality

Just close my eyes,
Drown in a Verizon sea

I'm just a poor boy
I need some sympathy
Because it's easy come, easy go
Hear me now? Hear you, no.

Any way the wind blows,
Just bring some service to me

To me.

...

Mama,
Just changed my phone
Got some voice over IP
Drowning in Verizon sea

Mama,
VoIP had just begun
But now they've thrown our service all away

Mama, ooooo,
Didn't want DSL to die
If it's not back again this time next year
Carry on...with dial-up
Because service doesn't matter

Too late
My phone is gone
There's nothing in the line
Twenty questions all the time

Good-bye everybody
I've got no phone
Gotta leave my work undone
And face the truth

Mama, ooooo
Don't want my phone to die
I sometimes wish Verizon wasn't born at all

...

I call a little techy for a little service
"Nothing wrong, nothing wrong, can I ask my 20 questions?"
DSL's not working, don't you go jerking me!

Galileo (Galileo) Galileo--Galileo Figaro! Lousy-oooooooo!

I'm just a customer, nobody loves me
"He's just a customer, wants a little service
"Swearing at us, we're a monstrosity!"

Easy come, easy go, will you give me phone?
"Of-course-not-NO! We will not give you phone
"Give him phone!
"Of-course-not-NO! We will not give you phone
"Give him phone!
"Will not give you phone!
"Give him phone!
"Will not give you phone!
("Will not never never...")Oh give me phooooooone

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
Oh mamamia mamamia!
"Mamamia give him phone
Veriz-a-bub, will you ever get a phone for me...

For me...for me....

...

So you think you can drop me and screw up my line
So you take all my money and leave me to die
Oh, Verizon
Can't do this to me Verizon
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

...

Doesn't really matter
Anyone can see
Direcway and Cingular
Direcway and Cingular
For me...

Anyway, Verizon blows. (cymbal)


The world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Today is Fan Mail Friday #7

If you are not familiar with our "Fan Mail Friday #n" featurette, please familiarize yourself by reading this entry before proceeding, or you may find yourself dreaming that you are a duck in love with a frog.

This week's fan mail comes from Agleteer Lynn, (The Supreme Aglet will not reveal the full identity of fan mail contributors unless specifically requested):

Although I have never seen you, I picture you as someone who would be a good stand-up comic. Have you ever considered that occupation?

Sure I considered that occupation; but then I figured stand-up comics have to travel everywhere and eat plane food.

Speaking of plane food, I mean, what's up with that? If they'd just let my microwave oven through security, I could bring seconds. Buddum-bum.

I was reading my e-mail the other day when this thing pops up on my screen with the word "VIRUS" in big red letters. Big red letters? What's up with that? If you're going to infect my computer, at least let me configure the bad news to pretty it up a bit.

But seriously folks, computer viruses are a major problem. I read in the paper the other day that terrorists are planning to bring down the Internet by sending a self-destruct virus through e-mail. The only problem they have is that they can't figure out how to strap explosives onto a worm. Ding ding! Ding ding!

Woo. Okay. You know, this business of writing Aglets isn't exactly a bowl of cherries no matter how much fame and glory go with it. The other day, some guy walks up to me and stares at me for a minute, then he finally says "Hey, aren't you...aren't you the Supreme Aglet?!". "Why, yes I am Mr. Bush", I replied. So, you know, I thought I'd hang with him a bit and swap war stories.

We ended up on Air Force One and had a delicious in-flight meal. I asked the President if I could have seconds. He says, "sure, did you get your microwave oven through security?". Rim shot, rim shot...someone give me a rim shot.

So Lynn, while it's true that I did indeed consider the occupation, I looked at my material and thought twice about it, and the world of the Supreme Aglet is once again in perfect balance.